yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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