please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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