Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
