"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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