Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
