Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
