it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
