You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
