??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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