but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
