I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
