he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
