Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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