Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize