News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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