Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
