does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
