Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
