my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
