Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
