Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
