before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
