Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
