I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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