I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
