I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
