I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
