Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
