I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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