All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
