Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
