Nicole vs. Life
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
