Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
