i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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