I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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