Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
