so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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