I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
