I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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