found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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