I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
