I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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