I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
