I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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