Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
