last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
