areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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