God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
