Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
