so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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