Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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